Marriage and Children

A friend of mine wrote a blog post the other day about being married and childless and how it really irks her that people just assume she wants to have children 'someday.' She doesn't and guess what, lots of other married people don't either.

It started me thinking about my own situation, in which I am helping to raise two kids, part-time, but I like to think I have some influence on my two charges.

My stepdaughter is anxious for me and my boyfriend to get married. She knows that if we take that step, she goes on my flight pass and can start flying with us. She already has a list of places she wants to see, starting with New York City. Of course, she has wondered in the past whether me and her father will have kids of our own, and added to her musings that she can't see the point of getting married if you aren't going to have any kids.

I think this is a pretty interesting conclusion for an almost eleven year old to reach! :) I guess I can kind of see her point, too, but there are other reasons to be married, and for me it's my bone deep belief that if you are with someone and want to be with that person, you marry him! Of course, not everyone feels this way, and I don't judge, but this is how I personally feel about it.

I think that if I had met my boyfriend when I was younger, children would have been something to consider. I've never been adamant about having kids, it was just sort of something I assumed would happen when I met the right person, but I am older now, and I have a job that isn't conducive (at least for me) to having children. Of course it comes with all the flexibility in the world but the less I work, the less financial security I have, so I choose to work more.

And I like my house, and I like independence, and I like...well, I like things! I like my car, and the fact that if I have to fix my car I can fix it. Or if we want to take a vacation to Hawaii, we can do it. A baby, a kid, would put a serious crimp in my ability to just go.

So, is this selfish? Probably, a little. But it's responsible too! Why? Because I know that my job might not make me the best mother or seriously compromise other things in my life that I believe are important. Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of people out there who do the same job I do and make their families work. I just don't think I'm the sort of person who can juggle a baby with my job.

Deep down, I think I would have liked to have had my own child. I see my nephew and something in me sort of melts. I'm the relative who won't put the baby down. I know my parents would love more grandchildren, even though they already consider my boyfriend's children their grandkids. It makes me wonder what sort of mother I really would have been. But then I remind myself, I already am a parent, even if it is only for five or six days a month.

There is a big difference between full time parenting and part-time stepmomhood, obviously, but regardless I really try to do the best I can. My boyfriend and I try to give my stepkids a comfy home with good food, rules and boundaries, outlets to have fun, family time, a safe haven.

Just because we don't necessarily want to have children of our own does not put marriage off the table though. Marriage is not just about procreating, it's about creating a family and a home. And a family is not just parents and children. My boyfriend is a part of my family, and I consider his extended family part of my family. Marriage is about creating a life together, OUR life together.